The Elevator Scene

A young man wearing slacks and a tie walks into the elevator with myself and the puppy. He kneels down to play with the puppy. He halfway stands up after a few seconds, bending over at the waist to play with the puppy.

Me: “Watch your tie. She’ll try to get it.”

Young man waves end of tie in puppy’s face.

Puppy jumps up and tears the tie.


iPad, iPod, iPayTooMuchForDigital


Look, I get it. I really do. Apple makes very attractive looking products that are generally reliable and easy to use. I see the appeal, but don’t be such a fanboy and jump on every hyped-up product thrown your way.

Just like the $1 songs already available on iTunes and other sources, if you pay $15 for a digital copy of a book, it should come with a complimentary punch in the face. Stop paying the same price for digital versions as you would for tangible products. You can own a real book, made with precious trees and ink, for that price. Production and distribution costs are almost nonexistent with digital distribution models. Digital should cost significantly less for the end consumer! If everyone stops over paying for digital products the prices will come down.

Your Dad’s Shaving Cream


I’m about to share one of the greatest pieces of knowledge I’ve gained in my thirty years on this earth. Your dad’s shaving cream is far superior to that gel crap you’ve been using for years now. A single can costs a third of the price, lasts twice as long, and doesn’t ooze for three hours after you use it. Stop buying into the gimmicky space age shaving gel racket. I think I’ll try an old school razor next and get rid of this five bladed vibrating abomination.

Dear Tulsa,

I think we both know this isn’t going anywhere, and it’s time to go our separate ways. On second thought, you can stay here. After all,  you lived here before we had met. I’m taking the car though. I hope you understand.

Don’t get me wrong. It was fun for a while. We had some good times that I’ll never forget and plenty that I will, but I’m ready to start a new chapter of my life. Sure, some of the characters are the same, but I think Dallas and I have a real chance this time. I mean, we never got that close on our last go round, and I accept the blame for that. I was always on the outside of the relationship.  Living in the suburbs the entire time practically made it a distance relationship.

Oh, of course, you don’t want to hear about that though. I understand. Look, I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’ll have somebody new moved into this apartment in no time at all. He’ll be dining in all  five of your favorite restaurants. Going to all the bars and clubs you love so much. You’ll forget all about me, I’m sure.

Here’s the thing… your small town charm…. it was cute at first. But frankly, it got old. Listen, you’re still young. You’ve got plenty of growing up to do, and I know that eventually you will do just that. But I’m not interested in waiting around for that to happen. You’ll be better off with someone else anyway.

It’s not you. It’s me. I need to start thinking about my future and putting myself in a better position in the event that I want or need to start a career or something along those lines. With that in mind, I’m moving to Dallas where I can maintain my standard of living and still live in the middle of the action.

I hope we can still be friends. Keep in touch, you know I’m bad at that.

Best Wishes,

The Ridiculousness of Self Handicapping

Two men, ragged in appearance and traveling in wheelchairs, struggle up the gently sloped sidewalk towards the crosswalk on Riverside Drive, one man traveling behind the other. Minutes later, they reach the intersection of the sidewalk and the street and wait for an opening in the busy afternoon traffic before starting to cross the street. The front man, lacking the upper arm strength to make such a climb, begins to turn sideways on the upward ramp of the median. As cars start to back up waiting for the two to cross, the rear man assists the front by helping push the chair from behind.

Now at the peak of the median, the front man waits for an opening in traffic from the other direction. The rear man begins his attempt to muscle the wheelchair up the ramp as traffic continues to backup in the impeded lane. After several seconds of futile effort, the rear man stands up and waves both arms over his head in frustration. He steps up the curb onto the median and walks fifteen feet away from his wheelchair, throwing a fit the entire way. After leaning on a traffic sign post for a few seconds, the man regains his composure and returns to his wheelchair. Having given himself away, he pushes the wheelchair up the ramp from behind, leaving the seat unoccupied.

The rear man stands alone in wait as cars go flying past, his fellow traveler already having successfully crossed the second half of the street. Traffic begins to slowly pass in the once wheelchair-obstructed lane of traffic, and a car slows to a stop as it approaches the man, now quite skillfully standing, from behind. The driver, with his window down and a sheepish grin on his face, exchanges a few quick words with the man before snapping a photo of him with a mobile phone camera.

As the driver speeds off and traffic on Riverside returns to normal, the man makes his way across the street. The two men continue their journey, one man in his wheelchair and the other pushing his own, now-empty chair.

Strictly Coincidental

Picked up Pei Wei for lunch.
Stopped to help an old man.
Tried to jump start his truck.
Pushed his truck into a parking lot.
Finished my drive home.
Ate spicy shrimp with brown rice.
Watched twenty minutes of Helvetica.
Opened my fortune cookie.
Ate my fortune cookie.
Read my fortune.

“Your kindness is surely to be repaid.”

Patiently awaiting payment.
Contemplating a lottery ticket.
Realizing I’m already well compensated.

I'm a Winner


I take great satisfaction in being better than my fellow man, even in the most trivial things. Take, for instance, my drive home from the studio tonight. The gentleman cruising in the lane next to mine insisted on a pattern of hasty acceleration followed by last-second braking from one stoplight to the next. All the while, I maintained a casually consistent, well-timed cruising speed, allowing me to leap frog him at each intersection. With each pass, a feeling of victory grew inside of me.

Unrelated, enjoy this rough little jam from a Something Ridiculous practice session.

I'm Accustomed to A Warm Bowl of Milk

I catch quite a (small) bit of flak for not posting to my blog often, or just posting an image and link when I do post. I’ve never been big on updating friends and family about my life via my website, or at all really. For better or worse, I generally keep my thoughts to myself. That’s just the way I am. For this reason, this blog turns into a place where I occassionally post things I think are cool. For sharing some of those things with you, I will not apologize. For not sharing them with you often, I will not apologize. You’re like that stray cat that people make the mistake of feeding once. Now they always hang around the back door and expect more food and warm milk. Until I decide to post something new, go find your own cool stuff!

The Goodbye Wave

No economic system is perfect, and that includes our beloved capitalism. It’s full of inefficiencies and evils. Consider, if you will, the wave of layoffs sweeping our great nation. Firing people has become the latest corporate trend, and even companies that are still making profits are jumping on the layoff bandwagon.

Take Starbucks for example, where quarterly profits are down an astounding 69%. Its no surprise that less people are willing to fork over five bones for a large (sorry, venti) latte when so many people are being fired. Yes, a 69% decrease is horribly startling, but it is still a profit, right?

This trend is a tidal wave. Continued layoffs means there is less income (especially disposable income) to be spent. Less money to be spent means lower profits, which in turn results in more layoffs. How do we reverse this horrible tide? We’ve got to slow it down first, and companies that are still head and shoulders above water should not be contributing to the problem. On the contrary, such companies should be helping us get to shore, or at the very least, stay afloat. Unfortunately, the concept of profit maximization is driving the boat, and I fear that the boat is being driven straight into the oncoming wave.

If your all wet with metaphor you can find a clean towel in the hall closet.

Homeless Exodus?

I went to the Soundpony for trivia night on Tuesday. It was a good time, if you could stand the stench of the resident homeless guy. This guy was moving around the place like a social butterfly, and you could smell him from about 15 feet away… no exaggeration.

Somewhat related, twice in the last week I’ve received emails asking me to vote for the new Chicken of the Sea jingle (chicken on the land! fish in the sea!). Apparently, a lady from Broken Arrow is doing quite well in the voting, and if she wins the local food bank gets an entire truck full of Chicken of the Sea tuna. Seems like a good thing, right? Wrong.

Here’s the deal. Homeless people are better connected than ever. The homeless guy at the Soundpony was talking it up on a cell phone all night, presumably to his homeless friends. If a huge supply of Tuna arrives in Tulsa, he’s going to call all of his out-of-town homeless peeps, and within a matter of days Tulsa will be overrun by homeless people looking for a free can of tuna. Bad news right?

Here’s the plan. I suggest you vote for a jingle in Dallas. Once the contest is over, we’ll make a flier to distribute to the local homeless population informing them of this tuna windfall in the not so far off land of Dallas. Said flier will even have a map with large truck stops along the way marked for their convenience. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to enjoy trivia night without violently offending my sense of smell. Now go vote!